I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize