I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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