Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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