96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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