I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
