carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
