I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
