My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
