Fuck appropriateness.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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