the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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