Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
