I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
so much tequila, so little girl.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
