drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
