Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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