Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
