Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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