He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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