my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
