I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just gargled with NyQuil
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
