I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she peed on how many people?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I touched a dick in church today
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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