it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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