I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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