So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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