i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
