filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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