I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Your penis caused this!
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