Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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