I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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