Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
