My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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