Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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