i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
