Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
