My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Success! We fucked roommates!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
