mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
