my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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