Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
