you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
