Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
