apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
