i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She's the barista slut.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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