Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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