It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
