It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
