anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
