you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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