I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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