I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
