Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
pray to the hookup gods
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
