My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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