Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize