Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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