don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
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