Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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