So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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