Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
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