You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
