dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
