he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
