his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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