Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize