I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
